broken yetis

aussie creation myths

2009-06-15T15:42:00.000-07:00

where did australian shepherds come from??????

possible theories:
1. zeus sent lightning bolts to the ground--scorch marks became truffles--truffles hatched into aussies
2. jesus turned water into aussies
3. evolved from velociraptor
4. the big bang recurred on a smaller scale on a sheep covered mountain top in Connecticut
5. pokemon are real and aussies are pokemon
6. descendants of the dodobird (look at their butts--I'm onto something)
7. gary busey was punished for his selfish and hedonistic ways by a witchdoctor who turned him into an aussie

the legend...of holy city

2009-06-02T17:25:00.000-07:00

Anytime I head to or from Santa Cruz on the Highway 17, I see signs advertising a turn off for Holy City. It's quite an unusual name for a town, but I never gave it much thought until I was sitting reading a book about California's history and I saw its name mentioned...

...as a town founded by a crazy religious white supremacist leader in the 1920s who thought he was God.

William Riker and his "disciples" established the city in 1919, buying up the sizable expanse of acreage for only $10 dollars. It was meant to be a sort of City on a Hill, a "utopia", in only the most creepily unsettling religious cult-like sense of the word.

Like most cult leaders, Riker asked nothing less than complete celibacy from his followers, and excluded himself from this rule, because he was supreme and magical and exempt and had Divine Sperm.

Riker was also selfless enough to "free his followers of their worldly possessions" by taking all of their money. And probably their wives, too.

Holy City was a popular tourist spot, with its attractions like "a telescope with which you could look at the moon", "bottled mineral water", and a half hour radio show with a Swiss Yodler on the city's very own personal radio station, KFQU. (Seriously.)

Riker took it upon himself to run for governor four times, feeling that his perfect system of government was the key to saving the world from going to hell. Unfortunately most of the state saw him as a "crackpot", and whatever had somehow existed of Holy City's integrity began to deteriorate after that point.

Today, Holy City has one permanent resident. He is an artist who runs a glass studio and shop, and according to one source somewhere on the internet he has a lot of German Shepherds, but I wasn't really reading very closely because So You Think You Can Dance was on.

Holy City is currently for sale for only $11 million dollars. This is just about half the price of a small island, and three times the Cool. Will and I will be purchasing Holy City as soon as we have enough money and will be changing its name to Mount Jukkawukk.

It will have several purposes.
1. Australian Shepherd Sanctuary
2. Yetisquatch Watch's 2021 Convention Headquarters
3. Truffle Dog Training Center
4. Very Large Slip and Slide
5. Swamp Cat Awareness Apparel Distribution Center

Drunken Fractals

2009-05-22T19:17:00.000-07:00

Welcome

This project has few steps, so pay close attention

Step 1. download fractal making software. I use ChaosPro [it's free].
Step 2. drink alcohol, preferably not alone.
Step 3. Open ChaosPro, move sliders and change numbers.
Step 4.
Step 5. Awe

Beyond are two examples I made:

Seuss's Biotic Dirigible

Into The Satyr (heart [maw]) Forest (of darkness [of madness])

thank you

i just woke up and got out of bed to post this because it came to me in a dream

2009-05-21T02:23:00.000-07:00

do you guys remember those dinosaur toys released to help promote jurassic park back in the 90s? do you remember the ones that had giant removable chunks of flesh that you could pull out to reveal blood and guts and dinosaur bones?

...whose idea was this and why were these marketed towards small children and why didn't I ever have one

a beginner's guide to jagertoven

2009-05-15T23:27:00.000-07:00

You know those movies from your childhood that bring back such a warm and familiar rush of nostalgia, you feel you'll never get tired of watching them, no matter how often? Well, for me and Will, that movie is Beethoven's 2nd. Not Beethoven, Beethoven's 3rd, or even Beethoven's Big Break.

When we learned of our mutual love for this movie, we figured there was no better way to celebrate this discovery than with alcohol. I'm sorry, mom.

Every Saturday night, Will and I play a drinking game we've dubbed "Jagertoven", a nod to the fact that for the first several weeks of watching Beethoven, jagerbombs were our drinks of choice. Apparently, Will and I are both frat boys.

As we learned only too quickly, jagerbombs get old. The smell, sight, or even the thought of jager now causes us to be wracked with full body convulsions culminating in hallucinations and fever dreams.

Suffice to say, we still watch Beethoven's 2nd once a week--but with a bit more spontenaeity--Gintoven, Vodkatoven, Screwdrivertoven, Mikeshardlemonadetoven...I think in the near future we can expect to celebrate one or two Alkaseltzertovens. Take this as a warning, humble reader. Jagertoven is a game full of fun and excitement, but you must handle it responsibly. Do not take its powers for granted. it is very late and i am kind of delirious

TO PLAY JAGERTOVEN
Take a drink...

At the title screen when "Beethoven's 2nd" appears. Alternately, for our sight-impaired followers, when the music swells with Beethoven's famous notes, "DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNN."
When Brillo is at the park with Missy buying ice cream, and she and Beethoven first meet. Brillo realizes Beethoven will be joining them for the afternoon's activities, and he changes his order. "...Better make that three strawberry [ice creams]."
When Ted is at the park in a lineup of boys waiting to be picked for baseball teams. Ted is the last one left standing and when it seems the team captains have no choice but to pick him, one of them spots a girl standing on the other side of the chainlink fence and shouts, "We'll take Heather!" Poor...poor Ted...
As Ted and Emily follow Beethoven to Regina's apartment complex under the suspicion that he "has a girlfriend". When they discover a litter of tiny St. Bernards in the basement, Ted exclaims, "PUPPIES!!" as Emily adds, "LITTLE BEETHOVENS!!"
After the two siblings have safely stowed the puppies away in the basement they call down their older sister, Ryce, to show her what they've brought home. When she sees them she shouts, "PUPPIES!!"
When the Newton family is sitting at the table eating dinner. George Newton is discussing the invitation he has just received to spend the summer at a coworker's cabin in the mountains. The puppies begin barking and yelping from the basement, and the rest of the Newtons try to keep their father distracted when he starts to become aware of the noises. He eventually gets up and heads downstairs, and upon discovering the puppies we hear him shout from off camera, "AWWWW NOOOO!!"
Ryce and Beethoven are at Taylor Devereaux's party in the mountains. Taylor Devereaux is creepy and wants to rape Ryce. Beethoven is being harassed by drunk high school boys. Beethoven gets angry and pulls out one of the support beams for Taylor's cabin, collapsing half of the house into the lake, along with Taylor Devereaux. Drink when he screams like a Halloween decoration from 1997.
Regina and Floyd have re-captured all the puppies. The Newtons have followed them to the edge of a cliff where Floyd is threatening to drop Mo over the edge and into the water. Beethoven and George knock Floyd and Regina off the cliff and the two of them fall into a tiny lake and miraculously miss the sharp and pointy rocks that surround them on all sides. Drink when the beaver dam breaks and the two are sent screaming down the river in a tragic tangle of bad New Jersey accents.

truffle hunting and the dark arts

2009-05-04T15:30:00.000-07:00

Black Truffles. Not pictured: erect truffle.

The Oregon Truffles

Tuber oregonense

Cicero deemed them children of the Earth. Porphyrus believed them children of the Gods. Zeus smote the earth and left these treasured gifts behind, only to be found and eaten by...Satyrs.
Plutarch, like Porphyrus believed them the result of thunderstorms, specifically "mud cooked by lightning."

Julia and i have taken an interest in this strange and ancient phenomena. hundreds of dollars a pound? are you cereal? 330,000 dollars for a single truffle? i mean what isn't there to like about truffles...they require a trufflepig (or truffleginny) to be found, they apparently smell good, they're mushrooms, they're rare and they're called truffles.

Upon researching truffles and truffle hunting we discovered several interesting things. First, Truffle prices have crashed due to the recent economic climate (only $30,900 for an 850g white truffle!!). More interestingly, there are only two people in the United States qualified to train dogs to hunt for truffles. Pasquale Scricco of Hopatcong, New Jersey and some hermit in Oregon. Citing a fear of hermits we've decided to take a drive Mr. Scricco to inquire about....apprenticeships. I dream about the day when julia and i can legitimately sign our posts Julia Stenzel and Will Douglas, Master Truffle Seekers (respectively). Below I have included a table comparing the relative pros and cons of Trufflepigs vs. Truffledogs.



Truffle Pig			Truffle Dog
Keen sense of smell			Keen sense of smell
Innate ability to sniff out truffles			Must be trained
Tendency to eat truffles once found Don't own a pig			Easier to control; may urinate on truffle Own several dogs

Clearly, the net gains of truffledogs outweight the net gains of trufflepigs. Since male dogs may pee on the truffles whence they find them, there will be no trufflegeorgies in the near future.

The plan is as follows: try to find truffles on our own, probably fail. make a pilgrimage to the truffle man and learn what we can about training dogs. train dog. find truffles. don't let georgie near the truffles. possibly eat truffles?

Trufflemyths

1. Truffleoil is made from truffles. In fact truffleoil is olive oil flavored with the synthetic organic compound 2, 4-dithiapentane (pubchem # 15380).
2. If i find any more trufflemyths you will find them here.

"hunting truffles is like hunting treasure! have fun!"

-anonymous

Mushroom and Truffle output in 2005 shown as a percentage of the top producer

references: Patterson, Daniel (2007-05-16). "Hocus-Pocus, and a Beaker of Truffles". The New York Times. Retrieved on 2008-02-13.

UPDATE: went to wholefoods and found truffleoil. it smells like throwup. hopefully this is a product of the medium, or just a lack of aquired taste..

of demons and ursa minor

2009-05-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

am i a ghost or something i don't understand

cats reenacting famous scenes from horror movies pt. 1

2009-04-30T17:38:00.000-07:00

what is wrong with us

on the "wow" signal

2009-04-29T17:26:00.000-07:00

1:44am GMT
April 29th, 2009
1322 days left in the mayan calendar

i
had a
dream
that was not
quite a dream
the
bright sun was
extinguish'd
and the
stars
did
wander...
-lord byron

Funny how a poem written 193 years ago could so vividly describe what we will all see in just 1322 days.

A curious thing happened to me while taking notes today. as per usual i was trancedly writing down everything dr. williams (yes the Dr. Williams) explained. Perhaps he was being especially charismatic today, or perhaps he was just more in touch with the cosmos than usual...i found i did not remember a single thing i had written.

as i reviewed my notes, something jumped out at me. I had drawn something that i have no explanation for. i quickly circled the drawing (i sensed it's power and didn't want to fall into another trance, only to forget what I had discovered) and scribbled an exclamation. Thankfully by the time i got my camera i still remembered what I was doing. I have intend to have no memory of this entry tomorrow, so you - our readers - will have to be the sole witnesses.

you may say to yourself this only resembles a simple bat-he was doodling and forgot. yes, i thought this first too but, well, i'll let you make the inferences from here.

for all of you ingrate disbelievers....I did some research and discovered something even i couldn't believe. yes that's right...dr williams is affiliated with...starbabies.

of satyr penises

2009-04-28T18:32:00.000-07:00

after watching Willow about a month ago, Will and I developed some kind of strange fascination with goats and goat people. we drew them for each other a number of times, and giggled with delight when they appeared in the embarrassingly nerdy online game we play on occasion [every night].

I looked up satyrs last night while I was searching for image references with which to draw Will a new picture--but their Wikipedia page confused and terrified me considering my innocent obsession with them over the past weeks:

"In Greek Mythology, satyrs are a troop of male companions of Pan and Dionysys that roamed the woods and mountains. In mythology they are often associated with sex drive and vase-painters often portrayed them with perpetual erections."

wait--wait--what the hell!? perpetual erections? how is this normal? HOW IS THIS OKAY?? I scrolled my way down the page and unfortunately the very first image I came across only reinforced the ominous introductory paragraph:

oh...oh God...what...what is he DOING?

almost every other photo on the page is similar--have a look for yourself--satyrboners coming at me from every direction. though the artistic motivation that must have struck these vase craftsmen is beyond me, my favorite part of the page is definitely toward the bottom, where you can see a picture of a satyr's head as a part of a large mosaic. the picture's caption informs the reader, "erect penis not pictured."

Sir Isaac Newton and The Battle For Mount Diablo

2009-04-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

As with most things you will eventually read here, the legend of Sir Newton progressed from quaint beginnings to grand inside-joke hyperbole.

a quick background explanation has Julia sitting on a grass hill awaiting class to begin. From what I recall her telling me, a group of nerds were minding their own business discussing their plans to form a LAN party that weekend. Instinctively, Julia says: "HEY GUYS CAN I COME?" Which left the poor nerds utterly aghast and without words. Later that evening I drew a picture of this encounter:

From this point on newton seemed to find his way into many of our daily drawings. He started out small, for example

as you can see for whatever reason, my math teacher, Dr. Ted Williams became Newton's first apostle (and for whatever other reason he rides a polar bear).

It didn't take long for Newton to become a god of sorts. Now for some background on Mt. Diablo. From what i know, Mt. Diablo is a town about an hour away from Cupertino, and Julia has always wanted to live there. Basically that is the extent of background i can give, other than the fact that it has a soccer team and is evidently very beautiful (oh and that one day it will collapse into a volcano and release diablo himself and all of his minions pouring into the surface world [i think this reinforced Julia's interest in living there]).

Well now that you have some context, witness ye, the battle for mount diablo.

note stephen hawking, Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at the University of Cambridge, and Noam Chomsky, Cretin of MIT. Not pictured, satyr boner.

the swamp cat cometh

2009-04-28T01:09:00.000-07:00

according to the internet, New Jersey is full of ghosts, demons, abandoned Satanic churches, Indian burial grounds, and very aggressive midgets. while some of these legends may have a basis in truth, most of them were probably fabricated by intoxicated teenagers or spread in a Scooby Doo-style attempt to cover up a diamond smuggling operation.

Will and I were thinking...hey, if people are so gullible, why don't we start an urban legend of our own? why don't we come up with the dumbest-looking, most ridiculous beast we can think of and start spreading rumors of its existence? why don't we send out awareness fliers and spend nights stalking through the Jersey wilderness in a $15 costume from Party City with our ultimate goal being a spot of fame on the Weird NJ website? WHY DON'T WE? and thus...Swamp Cat was born.

Swamp Cat is half swamp, half cat, and pure terror. what does Swamp Cat look like? reports vary. some witnesses describe Swamp Cat as nothing more than a green, slimy housecat who is covered in seaweed for some reason.

other reports claim Swamp Cat as more prehistoric in appearance, with long, carrot-like fangs, webbed frog paws and a tail resembling that of a stegosaurus.

we urge our friends and family to start filing false reports of Swamp Cat sightings as soon as possible. you may laugh now but it won't be long before tales of Swamp Cat are told around Boy Scout campfires nationwide. the legend will only grow and become stronger, and Swamp Cat will soon take the place of Bigfoot in backwoods lore. his legacy has only begun...prepare yourselves...for he is coming.

oh my

2009-04-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

holy newton's ghost.. you've done it julia

hello does this work

2009-04-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

I made a blog and I am testing it out here is the first post it is a picture of my cat James