aussie creation myths

where did australian shepherds come from??????

possible theories:
1. zeus sent lightning bolts to the ground--scorch marks became truffles--truffles hatched into aussies
2. jesus turned water into aussies
3. evolved from velociraptor
4. the big bang recurred on a smaller scale on a sheep covered mountain top in Connecticut
5. pokemon are real and aussies are pokemon
6. descendants of the dodobird (look at their butts--I'm onto something)
7. gary busey was punished for his selfish and hedonistic ways by a witchdoctor who turned him into an aussie

the legend...of holy city

Anytime I head to or from Santa Cruz on the Highway 17, I see signs advertising a turn off for Holy City. It's quite an unusual name for a town, but I never gave it much thought until I was sitting reading a book about California's history and I saw its name mentioned...

...as a town founded by a crazy religious white supremacist leader in the 1920s who thought he was God.

William Riker and his "disciples" established the city in 1919, buying up the sizable expanse of acreage for only $10 dollars. It was meant to be a sort of City on a Hill, a "utopia", in only the most creepily unsettling religious cult-like sense of the word.

Like most cult leaders, Riker asked nothing less than complete celibacy from his followers, and excluded himself from this rule, because he was supreme and magical and exempt and had Divine Sperm.

Riker was also selfless enough to "free his followers of their worldly possessions" by taking all of their money. And probably their wives, too.

Holy City was a popular tourist spot, with its attractions like "a telescope with which you could look at the moon", "bottled mineral water", and a half hour radio show with a Swiss Yodler on the city's very own personal radio station, KFQU. (Seriously.)

Riker took it upon himself to run for governor four times, feeling that his perfect system of government was the key to saving the world from going to hell. Unfortunately most of the state saw him as a "crackpot", and whatever had somehow existed of Holy City's integrity began to deteriorate after that point.

Today, Holy City has one permanent resident. He is an artist who runs a glass studio and shop, and according to one source somewhere on the internet he has a lot of German Shepherds, but I wasn't really reading very closely because So You Think You Can Dance was on.


Holy City is currently for sale for only $11 million dollars. This is just about half the price of a small island, and three times the Cool. Will and I will be purchasing Holy City as soon as we have enough money and will be changing its name to Mount Jukkawukk.

It will have several purposes.
1. Australian Shepherd Sanctuary
2. Yetisquatch Watch's 2021 Convention Headquarters
3. Truffle Dog Training Center
4. Very Large Slip and Slide
5. Swamp Cat Awareness Apparel Distribution Center

Drunken Fractals

Welcome

This project has few steps, so pay close attention

Step 1. download fractal making software. I use ChaosPro [it's free].
Step 2. drink alcohol, preferably not alone.
Step 3. Open ChaosPro, move sliders and change numbers.
Step 4.
Step 5. Awe

Beyond are two examples I made:

Seuss's Biotic Dirigible

Into The Satyr (heart [maw]) Forest (of darkness [of madness])

thank you

i just woke up and got out of bed to post this because it came to me in a dream

do you guys remember those dinosaur toys released to help promote jurassic park back in the 90s? do you remember the ones that had giant removable chunks of flesh that you could pull out to reveal blood and guts and dinosaur bones?

...whose idea was this and why were these marketed towards small children and why didn't I ever have one

a beginner's guide to jagertoven

You know those movies from your childhood that bring back such a warm and familiar rush of nostalgia, you feel you'll never get tired of watching them, no matter how often? Well, for me and Will, that movie is Beethoven's 2nd. Not Beethoven, Beethoven's 3rd, or even Beethoven's Big Break.

When we learned of our mutual love for this movie, we figured there was no better way to celebrate this discovery than with alcohol. I'm sorry, mom.

Every Saturday night, Will and I play a drinking game we've dubbed "Jagertoven", a nod to the fact that for the first several weeks of watching Beethoven, jagerbombs were our drinks of choice. Apparently, Will and I are both frat boys.

As we learned only too quickly, jagerbombs get old. The smell, sight, or even the thought of jager now causes us to be wracked with full body convulsions culminating in hallucinations and fever dreams.

Suffice to say, we still watch Beethoven's 2nd once a week--but with a bit more spontenaeity--Gintoven, Vodkatoven, Screwdrivertoven, Mikeshardlemonadetoven...I think in the near future we can expect to celebrate one or two Alkaseltzertovens. Take this as a warning, humble reader. Jagertoven is a game full of fun and excitement, but you must handle it responsibly. Do not take its powers for granted. it is very late and i am kind of delirious

TO PLAY JAGERTOVEN
Take a drink...

1. At the title screen when "Beethoven's 2nd" appears. Alternately, for our sight-impaired followers, when the music swells with Beethoven's famous notes, "DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNN."
2. When Brillo is at the park with Missy buying ice cream, and she and Beethoven first meet. Brillo realizes Beethoven will be joining them for the afternoon's activities, and he changes his order. "...Better make that three strawberry [ice creams]."
3. When Ted is at the park in a lineup of boys waiting to be picked for baseball teams. Ted is the last one left standing and when it seems the team captains have no choice but to pick him, one of them spots a girl standing on the other side of the chainlink fence and shouts, "We'll take Heather!" Poor...poor Ted...
4. As Ted and Emily follow Beethoven to Regina's apartment complex under the suspicion that he "has a girlfriend". When they discover a litter of tiny St. Bernards in the basement, Ted exclaims, "PUPPIES!!" as Emily adds, "LITTLE BEETHOVENS!!"
5. After the two siblings have safely stowed the puppies away in the basement they call down their older sister, Ryce, to show her what they've brought home. When she sees them she shouts, "PUPPIES!!"
6. When the Newton family is sitting at the table eating dinner. George Newton is discussing the invitation he has just received to spend the summer at a coworker's cabin in the mountains. The puppies begin barking and yelping from the basement, and the rest of the Newtons try to keep their father distracted when he starts to become aware of the noises. He eventually gets up and heads downstairs, and upon discovering the puppies we hear him shout from off camera, "AWWWW NOOOO!!"
7. Ryce and Beethoven are at Taylor Devereaux's party in the mountains. Taylor Devereaux is creepy and wants to rape Ryce. Beethoven is being harassed by drunk high school boys. Beethoven gets angry and pulls out one of the support beams for Taylor's cabin, collapsing half of the house into the lake, along with Taylor Devereaux. Drink when he screams like a Halloween decoration from 1997.
8. Regina and Floyd have re-captured all the puppies. The Newtons have followed them to the edge of a cliff where Floyd is threatening to drop Mo over the edge and into the water. Beethoven and George knock Floyd and Regina off the cliff and the two of them fall into a tiny lake and miraculously miss the sharp and pointy rocks that surround them on all sides. Drink when the beaver dam breaks and the two are sent screaming down the river in a tragic tangle of bad New Jersey accents.
   

truffle hunting and the dark arts

Black Truffles. Not pictured: erect truffle.

The Oregon Truffles

Tuber oregonense

Cicero deemed them children of the Earth. Porphyrus believed them children of the Gods. Zeus smote the earth and left these treasured gifts behind, only to be found and eaten by...Satyrs.
Plutarch, like Porphyrus believed them the result of thunderstorms, specifically "mud cooked by lightning."

Julia and i have taken an interest in this strange and ancient phenomena. hundreds of dollars a pound? are you cereal? 330,000 dollars for a single truffle? i mean what isn't there to like about truffles...they require a trufflepig (or truffleginny) to be found, they apparently smell good, they're mushrooms, they're rare and they're called truffles.

Upon researching truffles and truffle hunting we discovered several interesting things. First, Truffle prices have crashed due to the recent economic climate (only $30,900 for an 850g white truffle!!). More interestingly, there are only two people in the United States qualified to train dogs to hunt for truffles. Pasquale Scricco of Hopatcong, New Jersey and some hermit in Oregon. Citing a fear of hermits we've decided to take a drive Mr. Scricco to inquire about....apprenticeships. I dream about the day when julia and i can legitimately sign our posts Julia Stenzel and Will Douglas, Master Truffle Seekers (respectively). Below I have included a table comparing the relative pros and cons of Trufflepigs vs. Truffledogs.

Truffle Pig			Truffle Dog
Keen sense of smell			Keen sense of smell
Innate ability to sniff out truffles			Must be trained
Tendency to eat truffles once found Don't own a pig			Easier to control; may urinate on truffle Own several dogs

Clearly, the net gains of truffledogs outweight the net gains of trufflepigs. Since male dogs may pee on the truffles whence they find them, there will be no trufflegeorgies in the near future.

The plan is as follows: try to find truffles on our own, probably fail. make a pilgrimage to the truffle man and learn what we can about training dogs. train dog. find truffles. don't let georgie near the truffles. possibly eat truffles?

Trufflemyths

1. Truffleoil is made from truffles. In fact truffleoil is olive oil flavored with the synthetic organic compound 2, 4-dithiapentane (pubchem # 15380).
2. If i find any more trufflemyths you will find them here.

"hunting truffles is like hunting treasure! have fun!"

-anonymous

Mushroom and Truffle output in 2005 shown as a percentage of the top producer

references: Patterson, Daniel (2007-05-16). "Hocus-Pocus, and a Beaker of Truffles". The New York Times. Retrieved on 2008-02-13.

UPDATE: went to wholefoods and found truffleoil. it smells like throwup. hopefully this is a product of the medium, or just a lack of aquired taste..

of demons and ursa minor

am i a ghost or something i don't understand